


thank you

by ign0miny



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/F, Happy late birthday to Ymir, Heavy Angst, Historia misses Ymir v much, Life reflections, kinda manga spoilers, no beta we die like men, s4 anime spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:13:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29598126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ign0miny/pseuds/ign0miny
Summary: Ymir reflects on her memories with Historia as her life slips out of her hands.
Relationships: Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	thank you

It was so, so hard to let go.

Though Ymir chose to let herself fall into this path, though Ymir let this happen, it was hard. Extremely hard.

She longed to be somewhere.. anywhere else. Particularly somewhere else with the woman she so desperately loved.

Yet here she lay, chained and restricted, waiting to be eaten. Waiting to have her titan ripped from her, though Ymir believed rightfully so, and put into another human. Waiting to have her life torn away. 

And so the chain continues.

Ymir looked ahead at the person, the man, in front of her. If she recalled correctly, she had wrongfully stolen his brother's life away on Paradis Island. Now, his brother was going to eat her and reclaim once more what was once Marley's. How ironic. 

She could practically feel the man's anger and hatred towards her. Not that Ymir blamed him. Instead of looking at him and facing him, she chose to look down at the floor in front of her and pray that this go quickly and peacefully. 

Always the coward, Ymir. Choosing to go the easy way, and pray to go easily. Not that she believed she deserved it. 

The man, she thought his name was Porco but she wasn't positive, began to approach her. He rolled his neck and cracked his fingers as he waited. Another man then came forth holding a needle. It was filled with a liquid Ymir had never seen before but had a good idea as to what it was. 

Porco turned towards the other man and stared at him. "I'm ready when you are." He told him, gesturing towards the needle. The other man, silent, nodded and pulled the plunger back. 

Ymir closed her eyes as she felt her anxiety increase. Sweat dripped from her hair and sweat gathered in her palms. Her armpits were damp and her body was shaking. Her breathing got heavier and she wished to be anywhere but here. Anywhere. Someone, anyone, please. 

Because her eyes were clenched so tightly, she could see shapes. Circles, squares, triangles. They all varied in color and clouded her vision. In the background, she could hear the sound of a liquid gushing, or something being pushed out of something else extremely fast. 

The shapes, the circles, triangles, and squares, started to turn into images. Into people. More specifically, a person. A person she loved and still loves, but a person she knew she had to leave behind her in Paradis. 

Ymir saw an image of Historia standing in the snow. She remembered this vividly, for it was one of the first time she had connected with Historia truly. She remembered it was absolutely freezing and that they were the only two around. They had just finished arguing about what to do with the person Historia had previously been dragging in the snow and now they were standing in front of the sunrise. 

She remembered thinking Historia looked absolutely stunning in the the sunrise, the glow hitting her just right and making her face light up in an array of colors. Ymir remembers putting her arms on Historia's shoulders and fighting the want that had risen in her. She wanted, so desperately, to be with Historia. Historia, this strong, brave woman who didn't take anything from anyone. 

This woman who stood on her own ground and fought for others, even if it put her at a disadvantage. Ymir knew in her heart that she didn't deserve Historia. She didn't deserve to be around her, to be her friend, to even like her. She didn't deserve to even be human once more and even have this opportunity to 'hold' Historia, even though she just had her hands on her shoulders.

Historia was so _good_ and Ymir was... nothing. Ymir knew that all she would do would hurt Historia, betray her, let her down, give her even more wounds that she didn't need. 

But Ymir always knew that she was a selfish person. She let herself, for this moment, indulge in Historia and her warmth and love. She let herself look at Historia's grace, and beauty, and pure, soft light, and she left herself go.

She let herself fall. 

The image changed in her mind as some background noise brought her back, the sound of a needle falling to the floor and someone rushing away as quickly as possible. Ymir ignored it, choosing to watch as the shapes transformed into another image. 

The next image her mind supplied her with was one where Historia was on her horse and Ymir was reaching out to her. She couldn't remember this as well as she could the other one, considering how hectic of a day it had been. She just remembered the look on Historia's face and the fire in her eyes. Though the hurt was clear on Historia's face, there was also understanding on her face.

Somehow Historia had understood Ymir. Though she knew nothing of the situation or of Ymir's feelings, she understood that whatever it was Ymir was doing was something that Ymir felt that she had to do. That had to be the thing that Ymir loved the most about her. Though Historia didn't fully understand Ymir, she respected her and understood when something was important to her.

Ymir could feel herself in that moment, and also now, wanting to cry. Historia was too good for her. She trusted her, knowing nothing of her past. She believed in her, knowing that Ymir was a coward and a selfish person. She loved her, knowing Ymir's faults and downfalls. 

Here Ymir stood, leaving Historia behind in the midst of a battle. Yet Historia still believed in her and trusted her, looking at her with eyes full of love. Ymir swallowed harshly and patted Historia on the head lightly. _Goodbye, Historia._

As soon as Ymir let go, she knew that she was also letting go a part of her life. She was letting go of Historia, who was a part of her. Historia was her love, her life, and she was letting her go. She turned and began to run, to run away from her old life and towards certain death. She didn't look behind her. She kept running towards Reiner not stopping and not letting herself focus on anything but the mission ahead of her. 

Ymir remembered not soon after the battle writing a letter to Historia, and in said letter, telling Historia anything and everything she could think of. She remembered Reiner literally standing right behind her and reading the letter. Her heart throbbed each time her ink pen touched down on the paper, creating letters and words and sentences. Ymir had made sure to add in that she truly did regret not getting to marry Historia. Ymir always made jokes about marrying Historia, but in all honesty, her deepest desire was not to live, it was not to save the world-no. 

Her deepest desire was to be with the woman she loved and marry her, truly marry her, and live her life with her.

A horrible, long scream filled Ymir's ears and she was drawn out of her memories with Historia. She kept her eyes shut tightly, knowing what was taking place before her eyes. She knew what was happening to Porco. She had once experienced it herself. 

_I'm sorry._ She told herself-she told Historia. Though she knew Historia couldn't see or hear her, she wanted to believe that Historia knew. She wanted to believe that Historia knew how deeply sorry she was for everything.

The sound of something extremely large moving shook the chains on Ymir's arms. She wished to run. She wished to have the strength to break free and flee. However, after a few seconds, the shaking stopped. The room was silent except for the sound of Ymir's own harsh breathing. 

One breath, two, three, four. 

Then silence.

Ymir slowly opened her eyes, unsure of what happened. As her eyes slowly opened, she saw a large titan in front of her staring harshly with its hazel eyes. Its mouth was wide opened, almost in a smile, showing all of its teeth. 

One breath, two, three, four.

_Historia._

Ymir couldn't think, she couldn't move, she couldn't do anything but watch as the titan's hand moved towards her and grabbed her. She felt the chains breaking and she saw in slow motion as she moved towards the titan's mouth. The mouth with large teeth and a large tongue and deep throat.

_Historia._

Though she knew it was useless, she began to hit Porco's hand, trying to escape. She deserved this. It was her fault. It was her fault. She had to pay for her wrongdoings.

One breath, two, three, four.

Porco opened his mouth, the mouth with large teeth, the mouth that would claim her life, and she watched as her vision pertained only to his mouth.

She wished to be with Historia. She wished to be in the snow, holding her shoulders, watching the sun as it rose. She wished to be in a battle, holding Historia and patting her head, looking at the beautiful woman she longed to call hers. She wished for so many things. She wished to change things, to change her past, to change her present. She wished things had turned out differently than they had, she wished she had met Historia in a different place at a different time as a different person. A better person.

_Historia._

One breath, two-

end.

**Author's Note:**

> dedicated to zoey, sam, and kyo! :) ty guys for putting up with these omg


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